I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
