Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
