You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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