Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Holy sore nipples Batman
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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