Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
