It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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