i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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