Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
