were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
