Taylor Swift is so right about you.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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