yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
