peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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