Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
