How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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