i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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