i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
