dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
