I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
