Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
