To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
