Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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