it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We left an ass print on the piano.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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