remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
