I just pynch a tree in the face
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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