I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
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