She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
