like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
