Banned from zoo.
Again?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
