Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
