guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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