My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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