I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
