dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
