i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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