I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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