Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
