when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
