i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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