I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
