No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
