I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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