I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
