She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
