grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize