im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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