words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
