her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
