Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
