I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Randomize
