What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
