that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
