i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
