whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
