Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
